It has been a while since I last posted anything in this blog. In my part, I was busy. There were a lot of things I had to catch up with, from lectures and studies to business proposals and brainstorming sessions to debate training and socialising with fellow debaters. And to be honest, life right now is downright awesome. I couldn't picture myself being where I am right now when the levee broke a few months back, and yet here I am.
Having said that, I currently find myself in fear.
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"Wait, what?" - is what I believe some of you might respond.
Well, let me explain. I used to be the kind of person who would do things spontaneously, without any proper plan, just focusing on the bigger picture without giving two shits about the technical aspects of it. For example, I would tell myself that I'll grab some tacos for breakfast. What used to be my modus operandi was this:
1) I AM HUNGRY.
2) I WILL GET MYSELF SOME TACOS.
3)?????
4) DAMN THAT WAS A NICE BOWL OF KOLOK MEE. I AM AWESOME!
As you can see, step 3 was supposed to be the most integral because that would make all the difference between getting myself some nice crispy tacos or end up pigging myself out on two packets of Mi Sedaap and hating myself afterwards. Back then, I believed that as long as I can dissect my desires into my most basic needs at that particular moment, I can save myself the trouble.
That mentality had sipped its way into my friendships, relationships and work ethic. In the end, I ended up getting their equivalents of two packets of Mi Sedaap. I didn't have much friends, my ex-girlfriend dumped me and my work quality (and subsequently, my results) suffered, to say the least.
The adult in me soon realised that if I were to continue acting that way, I will never reach my goals in an appropriate manner. The journey is the goal, a wise man once wrote on a random website I surfed on the Internet. In order for me to achieve my goals and ambitions without ending up owing money to Syarikat Naga Berapi Sendirian Berhad (an imaginary loan shark company my friends and I often refer to) and selling my 9 year-old brother to a human trafficking ring, I have to buck the trend and do the right things right.
Thus, my first fear. I fear that somehow I end up micromanaging and overextending myself. Should I be worried with minute aspects of things? What constitutes minute? Should I be concerned if my pair of jeans are faded right, or should I just leave it in my room unwashed and smelling like... a pair of unwashed jeans? I do not want to end up being obsessive-compulsive. Yet, it's what I must do in order to get things done the right way.
How far into a plan must one focus on, in order for his or her goals to be achieved in the best way possible?
Until I find the proper answers to that, I guess I'll just continue doing what I'm doing right now.
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Worse, I fear that this extreme attention to detail is affecting my relationships with women. I am now in a state of limbo, stuck in between "ready to give my best to a new relationship" and "but I am in love with Skyrim!". At the end of the day, I always end up shouting the shit out of dragons over my two-day weekend.
And it's not that there aren't any beautiful girls in my campus willing to listen to my theory on why Malaysia is facing such an identity crisis (I'll touch on that later) while getting herself lost into my dreamy brown eyes. My friends have been more than supportive (thanks! :D) in trying to get myself out there and start building towards the future, so to say.
As beautiful as these young women are, I can't help but to squint my eyes and analyse them with a microscope. I am now worked up over minor details regarding these hopefuls (for the lack of a better word). Probably it's the need to find the exact person who I can build my future upon without having to take any painful detours in the process. I fear that this is just a defense mechanism I am creating to prevent myself from being hurt.
Maybe it just makes more sense to use all my time and energy on other things first, like studies, career and business. Besides, I guess it's not time yet. InsyaAllah if the right person comes along, I'll be more than willing to trade my Flawless Dragonbane with a box of chocolates and a bouquet of roses. Until that time comes, I am more than comfortable just enjoying the view from afar.
At least I can save these poor girls from listening to my "arrow to the knee" jokes.
