Anger

Note: I was supposed to continue with the second part of "The Three Amieruls" but I feel more compelled to finish this post first. Don't worry, I'll get back to that later.

Two nights ago after completing my assignments in the campus library, I drove back to the place where I am currently staying with my friends Carlos and Patrick. Out of nowhere, this song started playing on my brother's FM modulator:

From Eminem's The Marshall Mathers LP

I shuddered. A fair warning to those with faint hearts- Eminem raps (actually he just shouts) an extremely uncomfortable (to say the least, because the song's content really strikes a chord with how I feel deep inside) mock argument with his ex, Kim and proceeds to kill her. I didn't even wait for this song to finish before turning the radio off. 

After I finished my Isya' prayers, I had some time to myself to think about my daily events, which I then wrote down on my netbook for muhasabah diri (self-reflection). That night's note centered around how I felt when I heard this song, and led me to this question:

Am I running away from my own deep-seated anger?

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Like a fair amount of young adults, I am susceptible to problems relating to anger. With age, though I learn how to keep it in check (fun fact: I am never angry on a full stomach). That, however does not mean that I do not go berserk anymore. It just means that I do not blow up in public, and thankfully I can reduce property damage to a minimum.

Whenever I think of recent events, I do feel angry. I do feel betrayed. I do feel like purchasing a sledgehammer, wait for the perfect moment, and confront those who angered me with repeated bashes to his or her face until the hammer becomes unrecognisable and breaks into tiny little splinters and pieces. I actually do play out violent fantasies to keep myself sane sometimes, thinking of new and exciting ways to torture those I despise. It relieves me to an extent. 

However, every time those fantasies end I feel hollow inside. What purpose does anger serve, but to exert self righteousness and dominance over those who I perceived to have wronged me? There are consequences that I have to think of, in the hereafter if not in the world of the living.

My point here is just because I appear calm, aloof and optimistic does not mean I do not feel angry, betrayed or utterly frustrated. I just happen to exert a lot of self-control and think too much about the  dire consequences of stabbing someone's neck with a metal ruler, for example.

And honestly right now, I don't even have the time to externalise my anger. I have sworn to fulfill my potential and make my parents proud, and so far my life has been totally consumed by it. No longer do I worry about things such as relationships or having fun, right now all I care about is how to achieve my personal goals and ambitions.

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I hope my repentance and re-submission to faith help quell my inner angst and resentment for good. It has worked very well so far, but if my prayers amount to something, I wish that the day when I totally lose it will never come.

The Soul Of This Blog

It's already 1 in the morning, but I am still wide awake despite the tiredness I felt all day. I might as well just write something down, at least I am doing something productive to unwind myself to sleep.

Earlier today, I had two separate conversations with my friend Terence and my father regarding this blog. Having read Terence's blog (http://randomworksofterence.blogspot.com) I admire the fact that he can write about a breadth of topics, mostly on his interests in the military, world events, movies and music so effortlessly. While I do have a wide range of interests myself, I do not have the intellectual depth nor the attention span needed to actually write something about Anwar Ibrahim's recent acquittal, for example without constantly worrying about people catching me talking completely out of my ass.

So that is something I should work on instead of pussifying (a shout-out to George Carlin) my blog with posts about failed relationships and my prized collection of insecurities.

When my father got back from work we had a short conversation (blame Skyrim for not allowing me to extend the conversation long enough) about how my last few posts might annoy some people because of its content (I believe he was also speaking on behalf of himself) and how I should try to write with substance, to build a foundation of reason that supports my innermost thoughts and feelings.

To hammer his point home, he gave me a link to a blog belonging to one of his acquaintances. Having read it for a while, I am fixated with this blogger's obsession with the body and soul. Some of his posts are pretty darn personal as well, but he backs it up with an excellent introspective view of how he handles his problems, or in other words muhasabah diri. This chap might have a good twenty years on me in terms of life experiences, but I would love to be able to reason out my innermost feelings and fears. I have lived for twenty-three years (on the dot, ahem) believing that logical reasoning and emotions are two mutually exclusive planes of conscience, and it has not taken me far. It is a fallacy.

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In that sense, I can safely say that this blog is a good representation of who I am as a person. I am trying to do so much without actually measuring my own capabilities, and in the end I end up looking shallow and whiny. I never try to add depth into my emotions with rational thought and vice versa, so I end up confusing a lot of people as well. 

I am a body without a soul, drifting across my experiences, thoughts and emotions without any substance in which people can relate to.

It's a good thing that I realised this soon enough. While I do not exactly paint a picture of perfection in anyone's mind, I believe that life is a continuous learning process. So, please bear with me.