Final Thoughts

I started writing on this blog a few months ago as a form of release- back then, things weren't going so smoothly on all fronts and I felt contained, unable to properly express what I felt about issues that I faced. Since then, a lot has happened, and this blog has been a way for me to deal with the mess- for better or worse.

Months have passed since I last wrote, and that's a good thing because it means that currently, I don't have any pressing issues without any visible end; so much so that I have to resort to bitching on a lazily-maintained blog. Heh.

Having said that, I think that this blog has run its course and I am going to delete all posts save this one. It's imperative that I move on from this, or else risk being stuck in a loop of similar failures in the future. There are a few last things that I have to let off my chest though, so please bear with me.

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To Nurul Amarlina's family,

It's been an awkward few months, huh? I know it's difficult to speak after all this, but I can't just sweep all of you under a metaphorical rug, wash my hands clean and walk away. I don't expect (and I don't want) to have a conversation going, but I think it's the best way to address you guys without attracting ire. I hope. At this stage, the last thing I want to do is to cause more harm.

I am going to take this opportunity to humbly apologise to Un's parents and sister (Uncle Yap, Auntie Lily and Aileen) for every single mishap I have done and caused to each and every one of you over the years. Thinking back, it must have been difficult to get along with me (maybe downright unbearable) and yet the hospitality I received whenever I were at your household- I can say for sure now that I am not worthy of it. 

Please don't think of me simply as Un's ex-boyfriend. At least for me, right now it's very awkward to even glance at your status updates on Facebook, much less start a friendly conversation. However, I refuse to dismiss all of you simply as my ex-girlfriend's family members. I value every single interaction we had, I cherish every single advice and every last bit of food (and I know I consumed A LOT) and I don't want my relationship with Un to rob me off of those memories.

At the eye of the storm, some things might have been said and done. Some of which we could never reverse and simply forget. Please trust me when I say that Un and I never wanted for things to end in an ugly downward spiral; it just happened beyond everyone's control. We were just dumb kids trying to play grown-up, and we failed miserably at it. I am sorry we had to rope a lot of people into it as well.

I hope the next time we meet it's going to be cordial, and under much better circumstances.

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To old friends (in general),

If I have done anything to cause this distance between us, I apologise. Right now I just want to mend things between us and maybe have a conversation over a cup of Milo about how you guys are doing; career, love life and so on. We have already moved apart, and I'd like to take this Aidilfitri as an opportunity for us to bury whatever hatchet we had (some of which I might not even know, which reasons why this apology covers an umbrella of friends. I'm just that oblivious to things).

Please realise that I have quite a number of things on my plate for the past few years. While I couldn't cater to all of you, it was never my intention to push you guys away. Whenever things go south, I tend to be a little selfish and shut myself in. It's not good behaviour, surely- but don't take it as an intentional form of insolence towards you guys.

I miss all of you, honestly. There's only so much interaction I can stand with people three years my junior over in UiTM, and I'd love to have things back to the way it used to be; gossips, gross jokes, slightly non-affordable food and sessions of Left 4 Dead. Maybe I'm just too optimistic about all this, but we have to start somewhere.

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To new friends,

I am not the easiest of people to get along with, so thank you for bearing with me thus far. When I first got into UiTM, I might not appear very friendly. I thought too highly of myself and felt undeserving of being a UiTM diploma student, but now I know better. 

I have this theory that our campus serves as purgatory- only those who have made peace with their past and dealt with their issues can move on to do their degree. Right now I feel like I'm finally ready to move on to the next stage, and whatever got me here in the first place, I am very glad. I have learnt more in four semesters here than four years I spent in Swinburne and I have only each and every one of you to thank for this.

If you are unfamiliar with my back-story, see above. I messed up quite a lot (and quite often too). That my dear friends, is the end-product of approaching life through a series of impromptu decision-making and seeing if they work through trial and error. However, it doesn't have to be the same for you guys. You are young, and I think the reason why I am where I am right now is to serve as a walking cautionary tale to each and every one of you- please start taking your life seriously, grab your act together as soon as possible and grab that diploma. 

If you encounter any problems, I'll try my best to hand over advice and help out.

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Mak and Abah,

I'll start by saying that YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME. I know I rarely act my age whenever I'm home recently, but let me address a few things from an adult to another. 

First of all, please don't worry too much if I spend too much time serving my capacity as Debate Unit President. I accept the responsibility wholeheartedly, and I am excited to see how much I can drive the myself and the club forward. Right now I am dealing with people several years my junior, and if I can help at least one of them to become a better speaker or even more, a better person then I can at least mentally atone for my own past mistakes. 

Right now I just want to push myself to the stratosphere, almost to the point of obsession. I want to be best debater I can be, the best student, the best lawyer, the best Muslim, the best brother, the best son, the best person. I am behind my peers by several years, and that just necessitates the drive. So don't freak out when I take up more classes, training sessions and seminars from this point on.

SEGI College offers a 3-year law degree program awarded by University of London. Those who perform excellently in the first year will be offered a scholarship to finish the degree in Kings College, London. As convenient it is to continue my studies in Shah Alam, both of you know how badly I want to grab this opportunity, and please grant me the next two years to prove it.

My promise to both of you stands and it's my utmost priority. I will deliver that law degree with honours, complete a masters degree and then maybe back to Swinburne and finish my Civil Engineering degree just to drive the point home. I have nothing to lose, but a lot to prove to myself, to Asyrani, Azizi, and Afifi.

God willing, when everything's said and done I'll get you guys a proper daughter in-law and some grandchildren. Some things you have to strive for, and others just fall into place. I know that now.

To quote Batman, "Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded." So with utmost humility, allow me to reward yours.

Random Thoughts (I)

Sometimes I encounter difficulties trying to expand my ideas into full-length posts (450-750 words).  However, it does not mean that these ideas are not worth exploring at all, just that I am unable to properly channel these ideas and expand them properly into something readable.

So, I think I'll just list them under this title and write a short description for these ideas, share and probably revisit them later as I see fit.

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My accidental exposure to Jon Stewart and The Daily Show when I was 14 has brought upon such an influence to my worldview. I was waiting for a rerun of WWE Raw (heh) and got fed up when I ended up channel surfing instead. As I spent 5 minutes on CNN Asia trying to feel more sophisticated, I stumbled upon what I thought was a news segment on food and fresh produce:

Suffice to say, I ended up confused. Another segment appeared next, and that sealed the deal for me to devote myself as a lifelong Jon Stewart fan.

It opened up my eyes to the power of satire, as means to put forth points in serious issues with the aid of laughter. If our social climate allows it, I would have chosen to be a satirist for a living. I would love to write and get involved in political satire, especially given the absurdity of our sociopolitical scene. Since direct criticism just won't cut it with this bunch, why not do it with  a chuckle?

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Speaking of our current political climate, I hope that Malaysians are able to dissect the issues we have in hand properly and not simply jump into conclusions. It amazes me how some of us tend to support/ dissent wholeheartedly without really analyzing the rationale behind their side of the argument.

Zealotry is rampant, and in order for us to progress as a nation we have to get past certain elements of our local culture. As children, regardless of race and religion we are told from day one to give way to elders and prioritize them at family gatherings, to lower our heads when we walk past them, always respect them and to accept their wisdom without ever questioning their agendas and/or end games.

I am not going to argue that we should not show respect to our elders, it's just that some of us are automatically brought up into the idea that in the end, they do not know why exactly are they doing the things they do. Culturally, we are fed since childbirth with instructions and most of the time, without any proper underlying reason behind it.

Unfortunately, this also seeps into our political culture. We simply accept whatever our politicians are saying, without giving any second thoughts. As long as this policy benefits us, then the side effects are excusable. We often times see our politicians as elder figures, and we tend to trust them for that they are worth without ever really asking why.

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This does not mean those who are opposing the powers that be are doing it right, either.  What most politicians on the other end of the spectrum do not seem to get is the fact that about half of Malaysian voters are rooting for them by default. Most disillusioned Malaysians do not have much a choice, really. And they are supported by a majority of young voters not because of their understanding of our political climate, but sadly because of their inclination to rebel against the establishment.

We, as Malaysians need to learn to not simply swallow what fliers, blogs, viral videos and PR campaigns these politicians are throwing at us, regardless of which side of the argument we are on. Proper education and exposure is necessary, so that we can grow into a more well-informed and critical society. It is sad that we are making things too easy for these politicians to maneuver their way into our votes, when we still have all the power to decide what is good for our country.

What I Noticed So Far

Note: as exercise, I am going to update my blog at least once a day during the holidays. Writing, it seems, has a calming effect on my well-being. I also think that I need to hone my communication and language skills further. I especially enjoy how with each post I arrive at a point of self-realization and what I am comfortable with, not only in terms of discovering myself, but also in content and language use. Besides, I have to admit it's fun.

After last night's post, I decided to read through my blog all over again, and a few things jump out immediately. First of all, when I began writing on this blog I was in a bleak state of mind. I wrote about things as though I needed some sort of intervention to help with my predicaments. I used foul language in some of my posts and some of the metaphor and imagery that I use were... of poor taste to say the least. I had to soldier through a few of the sentences simply because of the choice of words and such. It's like watching an amateur stand-up comedian doing a very raunchy bit in desperation to win over the crowd. 

Do we have a video for that? Of course. Here's Eddie Murphy, just in case anyone needs a visual approximation of what I was trying to convey:

Secondly, I found out that I find it rather easy to talk about something abstract, and it shows in how outlandish my metaphors could be as opposed to citing facts, quotes or statistics. Well, given my choice of topics I do not think the usage of hard data would be necessary. I am still trying to find a comfortable way to write about current issues, and while I do keep myself up-to-date with these things I think I need to be able to regurgitate (poor usage of words yet again) these facts and put a personal touch to them, like an op-ed.

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Speaking of my choice of topics, I have been trying to stay out of anything that is too "heavy" because currently, I do not believe that I can add much insight into what I believe should be left out to those who are much better qualified than I am. Sure, I read a lot about American and local politics, current issues and while I am more well-informed than the average Malaysian (if you get what Eddie Murphy was talking about in the above video, congratulations. You are not an average Malaysian) at the end of the day, I am still a diploma level student. I attend classes and mingle with people four, five years younger than myself. What I say and think do not carry much weight, and probably should not.

Besides, I have to admit, I am still too young to comprehend everything that is happening around me. What I say sometimes might sound like pre-meditated wisdom, but most of the time I just relay what I have seen/ read/ heard from others, people who have experienced these problems themselves. There is a good chance that when people seek advice from me, I end up giving them a bad one.

Strip me off of my perceived logical comprehension and first-world life experiences, the only thing I believe I have any authority to talk about right now is:

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I believe wholeheartedly that life is a constant learning process. Sometimes you do things right, and by a stroke of luck you get yourself rewarded. Other times you fall down and fail, even despite your best efforts. My writing skills are still rather poor, and except for a few times due to extremely lucky breaks or horribly stupid decision-making skills my life is rather uneventful. Not that I want it any other way, though.

Right now, I am trying to learn and pick myself back up again. I believe writing helps. And tonight's realization links back to the topic I chose for my blog: The Atychiphobic Optimist. Atychiphobia is fear of failure, and an optimist sees the glass half-full. 

I am optimistic that everything I have gone through so far will paint a better, beautiful larger picture.

An Outline For The Next Few Years

A few weeks ago my friend Nasriq and I had a chat on the notion of settling down, getting married and starting a family. We talked for about twenty minutes on the subject, and while most people my age would rather touch on more exciting subjects such as football, cars (I can only guess) and such, I find it appropriate and for some reason, comforting to explore the idea. I find it weird, and for that reason I am going to dissect this oddity by writing about it.

Despite my relatively young age, I am already warm towards the idea of living a relatively quiet life with a loving wife and a child or two. This is probably because: 

1) I perceive having a family on my own as the ultimate form of stability in life, my equivalent to Israelites reaching the Promised Land. That, coupled with having a rewarding, successful career is my life's end goal.

2) I cannot stand (for the lack of a better word,) drama. While I understand the fact that interpersonal problems and internal strife such as mid-life crises and identity issues will continue to plague you until you bite the dust, I find it a lot easier to deal with these things with a life partner who can help me resolve these situations as they come.

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While I am on the subject of drama, I find it not only a bane to society's progress but it also exposes me for the selfish robot and/or six year-old boy that I can be sometimes. I have had my own share of squabbles where human emotions are put forth on the bargaining table like casino chips. Nine out of ten times I end up feeling like an idiot wasting my time spouting nonsense, and the remaining time I end up hurt.

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3) Marriage, I hope, will teach me a lot more about shared responsibilities. Whenever my friendships and relationships come unstuck, often times they are due to the fact that I can be unfair sometimes- asking too much from others while in the same time asking them to ease up on their expectations on what I should do for them. 

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I am only twenty three, but I have already lost contact with a good deal of my high school friends. In a world where connections are getting more and more important, I need to be able to at least sustain whatever relationships I have left with others. 

If I need to state a more personal reason, then fine. I do not want to die alone. If I continue being as aloof as I am right now, then there is a good chance of that happening.

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4) I find kids to be awesome. I admit, I am the kind of person who enjoy making funny expressions at three to six year-old children in shopping malls just to get feedback from them, often times to the chagrin of their parents. Yes, there is a chance that I might have terrorized your toddler in E-Mart. Get over it. 

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I can only imagine how much more awesome my kids will be, compared to others. I will shower them with books, teach them how to debate and they can finally justify me spending hours at the local Toys R' Us looking at the latest Transformers action figures. 

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Nasriq ended our conversation with a reassuring statement, and on an interesting note. He told me that there should not be a rush to settle down, as the opportunity will come only when you are wholly prepared for it. Until then, the best thing one can do is to focus on whatever goals one can achieve only when that person is still single, young and free. He proposed that I write down a list of things I want to do and enjoy before I get hitched someday, and to not touch the issue of settling down ever again until I have completed the entire list.

So, without further ado, here are the things that I wish to do before I settle down (in no particular order):

1) Finally get my fat ass in shape.

2) Adopt an outdoor sport for me to do religiously until I drop dead.

3) Learn and understand more about Islam, and devote myself wholly to it. 

4) Take up martial arts lessons. Krav Maga, anyone?

5) Hone my debating and writing skills.

6) Subsequently, win at least a debate tournament or a writing competition.

7) Get involved in a theater production, a play or a musical.

8) Start a business, and earn some sort of fixed income out of it. 

9) Complete my law degree overseas. In case you're wondering, Peninsular Malaysia counts but I think it's a cheap way to cross this item out.

10) Visit California again, meet up with my foster mom, goad her to get her job done and bring me to Legoland and Universal Studios. (in case you're reading, I'm just teasing you Mom)

11) Watch Metallica live in concert wearing my Baju Melayu just to confuse the hell out of everyone and singlehandedly make kilts passe.

12) Attend a WrestleMania wearing the same Baju Melayu I wore for the Metallica concert. (If I get ringside seats, wouldn't I be promoting Malaysia, in a way? Ministry of Tourism, you're welcome.)

13) Visit the set of The Daily Show and/or The Colbert Report for a taping of these shows.

14) Travel around Southeast Asia and the United States on backpacking trips.

15) Bring my entire family for my graduation ceremony. I owe them that.

16) Start a career as a lawyer, and finally move out of my parents' house.

17) Earn enough money so that my income statement alone can help me win any argument against my future in-laws.

18) On that note, ensure that my future in-laws are not the arguing kind. Or maybe I ought to mature to a point where they are convinced that they can hand over their responsibilities to me, and not worry them too much whenever I take their daughter out for dinner or something. Either one works.

19) Have a house built in Kuching, a place where my family can live for generations to come.

20) Tell my future wife about the events that lead to me writing this list.

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I'll end this post with something my dad told me a while back, which serves as a counterpoint; "A life planned isn't as interesting." With a list that exciting though, we'll see.

Hey.

I promised myself that I will never bitch about this matter again, but I need to let this out of my chest. 

Will there ever be a day when we are able to look each other in the eyes again? Both of us have apologized, but can we ever forgive each other for the things we did?

We were both kids masquerading as adults, tinkering with each other's emotions. Sometimes we enjoy each other's company, sometimes we argue. Sometimes we talk out of line, sometimes we hurt each other without noticing it. We had our own share of ups and downs. We danced to each other's tune for almost four years, and with each hit and miss we learned a little bit more about each other. 

For the last three months, I have been constantly feeling distraught, guilty, devastated. Every single day, I have to battle my own emotions in order to act normal in front of everyone. While I have no idea what life holds for me in the future, I can never imagine living in a world where I am happy without you by my side. 

This is the reason why we would always end our arguments before we went to bed. Without having our breakup resolved and you, the person I cherish the most vanishing into thin air, I am quite frankly, lost.

You tolerated me at my worst, and you made me who I am today. I am forever indebted to your influence in my life. Your warmth and kindness had made me a very happy (and smug) significant other, and you added purpose into my otherwise rudderless life.

Because of that Un, I am consenting my heavy heart to let you go. I am not one to continue resenting someone for a long time (much less punch a tree), and I do not hold it against you if you want to live life and enjoy your freedom for the time being.


I just hope and pray that when the all the dust settles and we have both done what we want to deal with by ourselves, we can meet up for a cup of coffee.

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Unless Alison Brie replies my e-mail and decides to grab a cup of coffee with me (in character, as Annie Edison from Community) first. But you have the right of first refusal, of course.

Fear

It has been a while since I last posted anything in this blog. In my part, I was busy. There were a lot of things I had to catch up with, from lectures and studies to business proposals and brainstorming sessions  to debate training and socialising with fellow debaters. And to be honest, life right now is downright awesome. I couldn't picture myself being where I am right now when the levee broke a few months back, and yet here I am.

Having said that, I currently find myself in fear. 

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"Wait, what?" - is what I believe some of you might respond.

Well, let me explain. I used to be the kind of person who would do things spontaneously, without any proper plan, just focusing on the bigger picture without giving two shits about the technical aspects of it. For example, I would tell myself that I'll grab some tacos for breakfast. What used to be my modus operandi was this: 

1) I AM HUNGRY.

2) I WILL GET MYSELF SOME TACOS.

3)?????

4) DAMN THAT WAS A NICE BOWL OF KOLOK MEE. I AM AWESOME!

As you can see, step 3 was supposed to be the most integral because that would make all the difference between getting myself some nice crispy tacos or end up pigging myself out on two packets of Mi Sedaap and hating myself afterwards. Back then, I believed that as long as I can dissect my desires into my most basic needs at that particular moment, I can save myself the trouble. 

That mentality had sipped its way into my friendships, relationships and work ethic. In the end, I ended up getting their equivalents of two packets of Mi Sedaap. I didn't have much friends, my ex-girlfriend dumped me and my work quality (and subsequently, my results) suffered, to say the least.

The adult in me soon realised that if I were to continue acting that way, I will never reach my goals in an appropriate manner. The journey is the goal, a wise man once wrote on a random website I surfed on the Internet. In order for me to achieve my goals and ambitions without ending up owing money to Syarikat Naga Berapi Sendirian Berhad (an imaginary loan shark company my friends and I often refer to) and selling my 9 year-old brother to a human trafficking ring, I have to buck the trend and do the right things right.

Thus, my first fear. I fear that somehow I end up micromanaging and overextending myself. Should I be worried with minute aspects of things? What constitutes minute? Should I be concerned if my pair of jeans are faded right, or should I just leave it in my room unwashed and smelling like... a pair of unwashed jeans? I do not want to end up being obsessive-compulsive. Yet, it's what I must do in order to get things done the right way.

How far into a plan must one focus on, in order for his or her goals to be achieved in the best way possible?

Until I find the proper answers to that, I guess I'll just continue doing what I'm doing right now. 

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Worse, I fear that this extreme attention to detail  is affecting my relationships with women. I am now in a state of limbo, stuck in between "ready to give my best to a new relationship" and "but I am in love with Skyrim!". At the end of the day, I always end up shouting the shit out of dragons over my two-day weekend. 

And it's not that there aren't any beautiful girls in my campus willing to listen to my theory on why Malaysia is facing such an identity crisis (I'll touch on that later) while getting herself lost into my dreamy brown eyes. My friends have been more than supportive (thanks! :D) in trying to get myself out there and start building towards the future, so to say.

As beautiful as these young women are, I can't help but to squint my eyes and analyse them with a microscope. I am now worked up over minor details regarding these hopefuls (for the lack of a better word). Probably it's the need to find the exact person who I can build my future upon without having to take any painful detours in the process. I fear that this is just a defense mechanism I am creating to prevent myself from being hurt. 

Maybe it just makes more sense to use all my time and energy on other things first, like studies, career and business. Besides, I guess it's not time yet. InsyaAllah if the right person comes along, I'll be more than willing to trade my Flawless Dragonbane with a box of chocolates and a bouquet of roses. Until that time comes, I am more than comfortable just enjoying the view from afar.

At least I can save these poor girls from listening to my "arrow to the knee" jokes.

Anger

Note: I was supposed to continue with the second part of "The Three Amieruls" but I feel more compelled to finish this post first. Don't worry, I'll get back to that later.

Two nights ago after completing my assignments in the campus library, I drove back to the place where I am currently staying with my friends Carlos and Patrick. Out of nowhere, this song started playing on my brother's FM modulator:

From Eminem's The Marshall Mathers LP

I shuddered. A fair warning to those with faint hearts- Eminem raps (actually he just shouts) an extremely uncomfortable (to say the least, because the song's content really strikes a chord with how I feel deep inside) mock argument with his ex, Kim and proceeds to kill her. I didn't even wait for this song to finish before turning the radio off. 

After I finished my Isya' prayers, I had some time to myself to think about my daily events, which I then wrote down on my netbook for muhasabah diri (self-reflection). That night's note centered around how I felt when I heard this song, and led me to this question:

Am I running away from my own deep-seated anger?

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Like a fair amount of young adults, I am susceptible to problems relating to anger. With age, though I learn how to keep it in check (fun fact: I am never angry on a full stomach). That, however does not mean that I do not go berserk anymore. It just means that I do not blow up in public, and thankfully I can reduce property damage to a minimum.

Whenever I think of recent events, I do feel angry. I do feel betrayed. I do feel like purchasing a sledgehammer, wait for the perfect moment, and confront those who angered me with repeated bashes to his or her face until the hammer becomes unrecognisable and breaks into tiny little splinters and pieces. I actually do play out violent fantasies to keep myself sane sometimes, thinking of new and exciting ways to torture those I despise. It relieves me to an extent. 

However, every time those fantasies end I feel hollow inside. What purpose does anger serve, but to exert self righteousness and dominance over those who I perceived to have wronged me? There are consequences that I have to think of, in the hereafter if not in the world of the living.

My point here is just because I appear calm, aloof and optimistic does not mean I do not feel angry, betrayed or utterly frustrated. I just happen to exert a lot of self-control and think too much about the  dire consequences of stabbing someone's neck with a metal ruler, for example.

And honestly right now, I don't even have the time to externalise my anger. I have sworn to fulfill my potential and make my parents proud, and so far my life has been totally consumed by it. No longer do I worry about things such as relationships or having fun, right now all I care about is how to achieve my personal goals and ambitions.

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I hope my repentance and re-submission to faith help quell my inner angst and resentment for good. It has worked very well so far, but if my prayers amount to something, I wish that the day when I totally lose it will never come.

The Soul Of This Blog

It's already 1 in the morning, but I am still wide awake despite the tiredness I felt all day. I might as well just write something down, at least I am doing something productive to unwind myself to sleep.

Earlier today, I had two separate conversations with my friend Terence and my father regarding this blog. Having read Terence's blog (http://randomworksofterence.blogspot.com) I admire the fact that he can write about a breadth of topics, mostly on his interests in the military, world events, movies and music so effortlessly. While I do have a wide range of interests myself, I do not have the intellectual depth nor the attention span needed to actually write something about Anwar Ibrahim's recent acquittal, for example without constantly worrying about people catching me talking completely out of my ass.

So that is something I should work on instead of pussifying (a shout-out to George Carlin) my blog with posts about failed relationships and my prized collection of insecurities.

When my father got back from work we had a short conversation (blame Skyrim for not allowing me to extend the conversation long enough) about how my last few posts might annoy some people because of its content (I believe he was also speaking on behalf of himself) and how I should try to write with substance, to build a foundation of reason that supports my innermost thoughts and feelings.

To hammer his point home, he gave me a link to a blog belonging to one of his acquaintances. Having read it for a while, I am fixated with this blogger's obsession with the body and soul. Some of his posts are pretty darn personal as well, but he backs it up with an excellent introspective view of how he handles his problems, or in other words muhasabah diri. This chap might have a good twenty years on me in terms of life experiences, but I would love to be able to reason out my innermost feelings and fears. I have lived for twenty-three years (on the dot, ahem) believing that logical reasoning and emotions are two mutually exclusive planes of conscience, and it has not taken me far. It is a fallacy.

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In that sense, I can safely say that this blog is a good representation of who I am as a person. I am trying to do so much without actually measuring my own capabilities, and in the end I end up looking shallow and whiny. I never try to add depth into my emotions with rational thought and vice versa, so I end up confusing a lot of people as well. 

I am a body without a soul, drifting across my experiences, thoughts and emotions without any substance in which people can relate to.

It's a good thing that I realised this soon enough. While I do not exactly paint a picture of perfection in anyone's mind, I believe that life is a continuous learning process. So, please bear with me.