Hey.

I promised myself that I will never bitch about this matter again, but I need to let this out of my chest. 

Will there ever be a day when we are able to look each other in the eyes again? Both of us have apologized, but can we ever forgive each other for the things we did?

We were both kids masquerading as adults, tinkering with each other's emotions. Sometimes we enjoy each other's company, sometimes we argue. Sometimes we talk out of line, sometimes we hurt each other without noticing it. We had our own share of ups and downs. We danced to each other's tune for almost four years, and with each hit and miss we learned a little bit more about each other. 

For the last three months, I have been constantly feeling distraught, guilty, devastated. Every single day, I have to battle my own emotions in order to act normal in front of everyone. While I have no idea what life holds for me in the future, I can never imagine living in a world where I am happy without you by my side. 

This is the reason why we would always end our arguments before we went to bed. Without having our breakup resolved and you, the person I cherish the most vanishing into thin air, I am quite frankly, lost.

You tolerated me at my worst, and you made me who I am today. I am forever indebted to your influence in my life. Your warmth and kindness had made me a very happy (and smug) significant other, and you added purpose into my otherwise rudderless life.

Because of that Un, I am consenting my heavy heart to let you go. I am not one to continue resenting someone for a long time (much less punch a tree), and I do not hold it against you if you want to live life and enjoy your freedom for the time being.


I just hope and pray that when the all the dust settles and we have both done what we want to deal with by ourselves, we can meet up for a cup of coffee.

-----

Unless Alison Brie replies my e-mail and decides to grab a cup of coffee with me (in character, as Annie Edison from Community) first. But you have the right of first refusal, of course.

Fear

It has been a while since I last posted anything in this blog. In my part, I was busy. There were a lot of things I had to catch up with, from lectures and studies to business proposals and brainstorming sessions  to debate training and socialising with fellow debaters. And to be honest, life right now is downright awesome. I couldn't picture myself being where I am right now when the levee broke a few months back, and yet here I am.

Having said that, I currently find myself in fear. 

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"Wait, what?" - is what I believe some of you might respond.

Well, let me explain. I used to be the kind of person who would do things spontaneously, without any proper plan, just focusing on the bigger picture without giving two shits about the technical aspects of it. For example, I would tell myself that I'll grab some tacos for breakfast. What used to be my modus operandi was this: 

1) I AM HUNGRY.

2) I WILL GET MYSELF SOME TACOS.

3)?????

4) DAMN THAT WAS A NICE BOWL OF KOLOK MEE. I AM AWESOME!

As you can see, step 3 was supposed to be the most integral because that would make all the difference between getting myself some nice crispy tacos or end up pigging myself out on two packets of Mi Sedaap and hating myself afterwards. Back then, I believed that as long as I can dissect my desires into my most basic needs at that particular moment, I can save myself the trouble. 

That mentality had sipped its way into my friendships, relationships and work ethic. In the end, I ended up getting their equivalents of two packets of Mi Sedaap. I didn't have much friends, my ex-girlfriend dumped me and my work quality (and subsequently, my results) suffered, to say the least.

The adult in me soon realised that if I were to continue acting that way, I will never reach my goals in an appropriate manner. The journey is the goal, a wise man once wrote on a random website I surfed on the Internet. In order for me to achieve my goals and ambitions without ending up owing money to Syarikat Naga Berapi Sendirian Berhad (an imaginary loan shark company my friends and I often refer to) and selling my 9 year-old brother to a human trafficking ring, I have to buck the trend and do the right things right.

Thus, my first fear. I fear that somehow I end up micromanaging and overextending myself. Should I be worried with minute aspects of things? What constitutes minute? Should I be concerned if my pair of jeans are faded right, or should I just leave it in my room unwashed and smelling like... a pair of unwashed jeans? I do not want to end up being obsessive-compulsive. Yet, it's what I must do in order to get things done the right way.

How far into a plan must one focus on, in order for his or her goals to be achieved in the best way possible?

Until I find the proper answers to that, I guess I'll just continue doing what I'm doing right now. 

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Worse, I fear that this extreme attention to detail  is affecting my relationships with women. I am now in a state of limbo, stuck in between "ready to give my best to a new relationship" and "but I am in love with Skyrim!". At the end of the day, I always end up shouting the shit out of dragons over my two-day weekend. 

And it's not that there aren't any beautiful girls in my campus willing to listen to my theory on why Malaysia is facing such an identity crisis (I'll touch on that later) while getting herself lost into my dreamy brown eyes. My friends have been more than supportive (thanks! :D) in trying to get myself out there and start building towards the future, so to say.

As beautiful as these young women are, I can't help but to squint my eyes and analyse them with a microscope. I am now worked up over minor details regarding these hopefuls (for the lack of a better word). Probably it's the need to find the exact person who I can build my future upon without having to take any painful detours in the process. I fear that this is just a defense mechanism I am creating to prevent myself from being hurt. 

Maybe it just makes more sense to use all my time and energy on other things first, like studies, career and business. Besides, I guess it's not time yet. InsyaAllah if the right person comes along, I'll be more than willing to trade my Flawless Dragonbane with a box of chocolates and a bouquet of roses. Until that time comes, I am more than comfortable just enjoying the view from afar.

At least I can save these poor girls from listening to my "arrow to the knee" jokes.

Anger

Note: I was supposed to continue with the second part of "The Three Amieruls" but I feel more compelled to finish this post first. Don't worry, I'll get back to that later.

Two nights ago after completing my assignments in the campus library, I drove back to the place where I am currently staying with my friends Carlos and Patrick. Out of nowhere, this song started playing on my brother's FM modulator:

From Eminem's The Marshall Mathers LP

I shuddered. A fair warning to those with faint hearts- Eminem raps (actually he just shouts) an extremely uncomfortable (to say the least, because the song's content really strikes a chord with how I feel deep inside) mock argument with his ex, Kim and proceeds to kill her. I didn't even wait for this song to finish before turning the radio off. 

After I finished my Isya' prayers, I had some time to myself to think about my daily events, which I then wrote down on my netbook for muhasabah diri (self-reflection). That night's note centered around how I felt when I heard this song, and led me to this question:

Am I running away from my own deep-seated anger?

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Like a fair amount of young adults, I am susceptible to problems relating to anger. With age, though I learn how to keep it in check (fun fact: I am never angry on a full stomach). That, however does not mean that I do not go berserk anymore. It just means that I do not blow up in public, and thankfully I can reduce property damage to a minimum.

Whenever I think of recent events, I do feel angry. I do feel betrayed. I do feel like purchasing a sledgehammer, wait for the perfect moment, and confront those who angered me with repeated bashes to his or her face until the hammer becomes unrecognisable and breaks into tiny little splinters and pieces. I actually do play out violent fantasies to keep myself sane sometimes, thinking of new and exciting ways to torture those I despise. It relieves me to an extent. 

However, every time those fantasies end I feel hollow inside. What purpose does anger serve, but to exert self righteousness and dominance over those who I perceived to have wronged me? There are consequences that I have to think of, in the hereafter if not in the world of the living.

My point here is just because I appear calm, aloof and optimistic does not mean I do not feel angry, betrayed or utterly frustrated. I just happen to exert a lot of self-control and think too much about the  dire consequences of stabbing someone's neck with a metal ruler, for example.

And honestly right now, I don't even have the time to externalise my anger. I have sworn to fulfill my potential and make my parents proud, and so far my life has been totally consumed by it. No longer do I worry about things such as relationships or having fun, right now all I care about is how to achieve my personal goals and ambitions.

-----

I hope my repentance and re-submission to faith help quell my inner angst and resentment for good. It has worked very well so far, but if my prayers amount to something, I wish that the day when I totally lose it will never come.

The Soul Of This Blog

It's already 1 in the morning, but I am still wide awake despite the tiredness I felt all day. I might as well just write something down, at least I am doing something productive to unwind myself to sleep.

Earlier today, I had two separate conversations with my friend Terence and my father regarding this blog. Having read Terence's blog (http://randomworksofterence.blogspot.com) I admire the fact that he can write about a breadth of topics, mostly on his interests in the military, world events, movies and music so effortlessly. While I do have a wide range of interests myself, I do not have the intellectual depth nor the attention span needed to actually write something about Anwar Ibrahim's recent acquittal, for example without constantly worrying about people catching me talking completely out of my ass.

So that is something I should work on instead of pussifying (a shout-out to George Carlin) my blog with posts about failed relationships and my prized collection of insecurities.

When my father got back from work we had a short conversation (blame Skyrim for not allowing me to extend the conversation long enough) about how my last few posts might annoy some people because of its content (I believe he was also speaking on behalf of himself) and how I should try to write with substance, to build a foundation of reason that supports my innermost thoughts and feelings.

To hammer his point home, he gave me a link to a blog belonging to one of his acquaintances. Having read it for a while, I am fixated with this blogger's obsession with the body and soul. Some of his posts are pretty darn personal as well, but he backs it up with an excellent introspective view of how he handles his problems, or in other words muhasabah diri. This chap might have a good twenty years on me in terms of life experiences, but I would love to be able to reason out my innermost feelings and fears. I have lived for twenty-three years (on the dot, ahem) believing that logical reasoning and emotions are two mutually exclusive planes of conscience, and it has not taken me far. It is a fallacy.

------

In that sense, I can safely say that this blog is a good representation of who I am as a person. I am trying to do so much without actually measuring my own capabilities, and in the end I end up looking shallow and whiny. I never try to add depth into my emotions with rational thought and vice versa, so I end up confusing a lot of people as well. 

I am a body without a soul, drifting across my experiences, thoughts and emotions without any substance in which people can relate to.

It's a good thing that I realised this soon enough. While I do not exactly paint a picture of perfection in anyone's mind, I believe that life is a continuous learning process. So, please bear with me.

Mos Def featuring Slick Rick - Auditorium

With the kind of lyrics that can make most rappers sound like retarded cavemen in comparison, Mos Def deserves an applause for allowing hip-hop to flourish in the thinking man's iPod playlist. 

Throw in the sickest beat I have listened since Kanye West's sampling-mad producer days, the legendary Slick Rick on the second verse, and sound clips from the classic guerrilla warfare movie  "The Battle of Algiers", we have officially reached musical touchdown.

It is a shame that music like this do not get the level of attention they deserve. With Disney's current production line of preteen sluts, R. Kelly singing about his throat surgery (literally), hipsters dominating the alternative rock scene and the breathing, walking monolith of human downfall otherwise known as Justin Bieber, one can make either one of two assumptions; either pop culture is being dominated by the lowest common denominator of our society, or this world is being overrun by idiots.

However, everyone is entitled to their own preferences, so it's best for me to not simply judge other people based on their own taste and choice in music, clothes, et cetera.

Because kids, that is how I (might) met your mother.

...

Oh, did you know? Mos Def is a devout Muslim.

Buns, Mayonnaise and Meat

There comes a time in just about every Malaysian Bumiputera young man's life where he wants to open a burger stall. My dad did it back in the early 80s when Metallica was actually cool (their latest collaboration with Lou Reed made Justin Bieber sound like fucking Freddie Mercury, so thank you very much and please either start working on a new thrash album or just die, please), and now I guess it's my turn. 

To be honest, I do not know what is it about burger stalls that makes us Malaysian males assume that it's a safe and delicious investment to be a part of, especially in our early twenties. Is this a part of our acceptable urban cultural norm? Or a rite of passage? Since when is circumcision not enough?

Not that I didn't have any doubts about this phase in my life. With the sheer amount of burger stalls opening up or shutting down each week in Kuching, of course I was pretty skeptical about it. Especially since I can't even provide my friends with enough capital to kick start the business. And how on Earth am I supposed to help them mind the stall when the new semester starts? 

Decisions, decisions.

...

All that changed, however when I saw how committed my friends were in this venture. Not only did they do quite an extensive amount of market research (this recipe plus that special ingredient equals profit), hold exciting business meetings (the jokes come aplenty) and conduct some delicious experimental dinners, I was surprised with how much they are willing to commit themselves into it, spending their precious time and earnings. If joining them and sticking to their guns while the going gets tough can help me learn a bit more about the ways of the world, so be it. I am sold.

Oh, did I tell you about the burger? It's pure gold. Soft burger buns, gently buttered and lightly toasted on a pan where they absorb the leftover meat juice from the grilled patties. Fresh, crunchy green lettuce and purple Bombay onions soaked in ice cold water before dried and served with tangy mayonnaise and chili sauce dressing. Beef patties made out of fresh, blood-red ground beef  with a hint of paprika, onions and cheddar cheese. Their collective texture and taste feels like a symphony playing in your mouth. And unlike some stalls which serve their sad customers limp, wimpy sized burgers, just one of these bad boys can make your stomach full to the brim.

We are opening up soon. Please pay our stall a visit when you have the time.